The Badge
by milford
Summary: Steve has some doubts after the events of Retribution. Chapter 2 of 2.
1. Chapter 1

The Badge

The Badge

By Milford

Characters do not belong to me, story is for entertainment purposes only.

Steve has some questions after the events of Retribution. This is just a short piece but it will be continued when time permits. I think that the events of Retribution would cause Steve, and Mark, to reflect – for so many reasons.

No warnings apply.

Steve shut the door slowly behind Chief Masters, and as he did he found himself deep in thought. He should have been jubilant, thrilled to be officially back on active duty after the last few turbulent months. Instead, he was unusually reflective and more than slightly disturbed and he wasn't quite sure why. The return to duty was a sign that life could and would return to normal…so surely he should be feeling confident.

The sounds of laughter interrupted his thoughts and he turned to look at the laughing figure of his father. Surrounded by friends, Mark Sloan was in his element, celebrating his release and the end of a truly horrific chain of events. It was good to see him so relaxed and happy, although Steve was sadly aware his father had aged somewhat recently. He knew it was a combination of the hardship of prison, but also the all-consuming worry and fear he'd experienced after the shooting. Steve's memories of that day were mercifully blurred but he was only too aware of what it would have meant to his father. Even now, although he was now fully recovered, he knew remnants of that day remained. Sighing deeply, Steve felt the sudden need for solitude, so he turned away from the party and left the beachhouse quietly, with the sounds of laughter and happiness following him. He walked slowly down to the beach towards the log which he had long ago claimed for himself. It was a peaceful place, hidden slightly from the main beach, and he sank gratefully down. Only the occasional voice floated down to interrupt his thoughts. He knew he needed some time alone to gather his thoughts. Adrenaline, along with the strong love he felt for his father, had kept him going during a period when he really should have been recuperating. The desperation he'd felt after the sentence of death had been passed on to his father had given him strength and now it was all over, and they were both at home again, he was feeling very weary. For the first time, he allowed himself the luxury of thinking and trying to come to terms with all that had occurred.

The badge. He stared at his badge in some wonderment. It was a small token but it meant so much to him. He'd fought hard and long to achieve it in the first place, and it epitomized all that he believed in. He knew he was old-fashioned in some ways but he did believe in fighting the good fight, and standing up for those who could not, or would not, defend themselves. He possessed an inbuilt belief in the justice system but the recent events had thrown his life into turmoil on so many levels. Firstly, he'd had to fight for his life after the shooting. He'd sustained many injuries over the years and he was aware of the risks. This recent event was by far the most serious, and he knew he'd been very fortunate to survive. His own mortality had been brought home to him and in the normal course of events, he would have been faced with some serious soul searching. Unfortunately he had not even had a chance to contemplate what had happened for as soon as he'd regained consciousness he had been faced with the knowledge his father was in jail. His gentle, compassionate father had been charged with the murder of the man behind his shooting. Steve looked into the sky as he tried to grapple with his thoughts.

Despite being groggy with drugs, and uncertain about what exactly had happened, the memory of finding out the terrible truth was etched in his mind forever. How could this happen? How could the justice system which he believed in so deeply have gone so wrong? His own partner had followed the leads and come to the terrible conclusion that his father had committed murder. He couldn't blame anyone but the bad guys but it was still an eye-opening incident. The justice system was indeed flawed. There were probably other innocent people in jail. Steve turned the badge over as he allowed his thoughts to develop. Not normally an introspective man, Steve was finding his thoughts disturbing.

The reality was, the justice system had let him down. Let his father down. His father who would never hurt anyone and who deplored violence had been thrown into a violent world of prison, and then condemned to death row. The insanity of such an act had given him the determination and courage to discharge himself out of the hospital and to find the real murderer. Now it was over, or it should be. Steve traced the outline of his scars as he sat there. Covered up, it was impossible to detect the level of damage the bullets had caused, but he was faced with the truth every day. The thought that he could be shot again was frightening but the thought that was even harder to bear was the knowledge that the system he'd believed in for so long could be so terribly wrong. The scars he'd sustained from the shooting were still very visible, but for the first time, Steve allowed himself to accept the fact he had sustained other, not so visible, scarring. He'd had cause to question the system over the years. When he saw slimeball criminals getting low sentences, or worse still, getting away with it due to some slick lawyers games, he'd certainly questioned it. But invariably he'd managed to keep the faith and to keep believing that they would finally meet their justice. He'd even arrested people who had turned out to be innocent but never before had he been faced with such a serious miscarriage of justice – an innocent man condemned to death. He wasn't naive, he knew it could happen, but the fact it had happened to his own father, and that his own colleagues had been involved, was something he was trying very hard to deal with. His father who shared with him an innate belief in justice and bringing people to justice. So instead of feeling on top of the world at being officially back on the job, he was feeling rather doubtful. Could he continue on in a job he was no longer sure he believed in? He didn't know, he just didn't know. He was deep in his thoughts as the footsteps approached and he wasn't aware of company until a warm familiar hand squeezed his shoulder.

"Steve?"

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for your kind reviews. I am sorry for the long delay in posting, I never intended to take so long. But real life certainly intrudes on our pleasure and leisure at times. It was never intended to be a long story, although I still think there may be things that could be covered on this topic and there is a germ of an idea for a longer story. We'll see how it goes!

Mark was enjoying his party enormously and for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time he was allowing himself to relax. Everything was normal again - his son had recovered from the horrific injuries he'd sustained and he personally was back at work after his incarceration. But even as he laughed and joked, he felt a nagging suspicion that all was not quite right. Due to his imprisonment, he'd not been able to watch over Steve's recovery and he was painfully aware that Steve had pushed himself way too hard, far too soon. He had to admit that Steve showed no signs of physical weakness or difficulties, but he had to admit he still felt concern, especially since his release and the lead-up to this party. Shadows passed over Steve's face at times and as a father and a doctor, Mark couldn't help but wonder what was going on. He knew it would be difficult to get his stubborn son to open up if he didn't want to, but he also had the feeling that it was something they had to address. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Steve's tall figure sneaking out of the house. Making a quick excuse to his guest, he proceeded to follow him at a distance, knowing full well where Steve was headed. As Steve sank down onto his log, Mark watched with some dismay as the moonlight accentuated the weariness in his face. Not knowing he was being watched, Steve had let his guard down and Mark knew it was time for them to talk. He walked quietly forward and placed his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Steve?" Mark asked quietly. It was testament to Steve's state of mind that he hadn't heard his approach and Mark forced himself to grin.

"Oh, Dad, you didn't need to come out…" Steve faltered slightly. He'd not expected his father to notice his quiet exit, but he realized he should have known better.

"I just wanted to see what you were up to. The party's going pretty well so I wondered what made you come out." Mark kept his tone deliberately light and casual, but he didn't fail to notice the badge sitting in Steve's hand.

"It was, it is. You should go back to your guests, Dad. I'll be fine, I just needed some fresh air." Steve turned his face towards the ocean.

Mark remained silent as he sat down on the log. Making no comment, he allowed his thoughts to travel and wondered what was troubling his usually cheerful son. Steve was holding his badge as if it was hot and uncomfortable but Mark had no intention of pushing for information. He knew from past experience that forcing Steve to open up was not the best thing to do. But equally, he had no intention of walking away from his son at that moment and he was prepared to wait.

Steve glanced towards Mark, grinning slightly to himself as he realized his affable father had his most determined air about him. He knew his father wouldn't give up, and he couldn't bluff his way out of this, but for the life of him he wasn't sure how to put his feelings into words. Always reticent with his deepest hurts and feelings, he wasn't sure how best to tackle this. Turning towards his badge, he took a few seconds to watch how the moonlight shone on the metal. He took a deep breath.

"I'm okay, Dad, really. It's just…." Steve faltered for a moment but Mark remained sitting quietly next to him. "Masters was here and he dropped something in for me." Steve showed Mark his badge but remained silent.

"That's great, Steve," Mark spoke slowly. "It means you're officially back." Mark paused, concerned to see his troubled son frowning. "It is great, isn't it?"

Steve sighed. "Yeah, of course it's great. Everything can go back to normal. You're back at work, I'm back at work, and the world keeps turning…." Steve stood up slowly as a strong emotion he couldn't quite identify started to build up in him.

Mark waited patiently for him to continue.

Steve turned and grinned wearily as he spoke. "It's just that I can't quite believe what happened. I've fought so hard for this, and always believed in it…" Steve waved his badge in front of Mark's face. "I guess it sounds corny but I've always wanted to help people and I've always believed that I've done a lot of good over the years…." His voice trailled off.

"You have, son, you've put away the bad guys and helped a lot of people. You can't doubt that, surely?" Mark asked gently.

"Not really. But what about the good guys? What if I've put away innocent people?" Steve stood up. "You were innocent and ended up on death row. My own colleagues found the evidence against you and you were convicted. I've never questioned what we did in the past, but now I am wondering how many times I've been wrong. Have I arrested innocent people?" Steve turned to look at his father. "Even if I haven't yet, I could do so. We got lucky, Dad…."

Mark shook his head as he listened to Steve's words. "It wasn't just luck, son, it was your determination not to give up. It was your skill and stubbornness that saw the truth come out…"

"But Tanis is a good detective too, and she got it wrong. I got it right this time, but I have to wonder how many times I've got it wrong in the past…" Steve sighed wearily.

Mark rose from the log and stood closely next to Steve. The next few moments were going to be critical. "You can't second guess yourself, Steve, you'd drive yourself crazy. You can only do the best that you can, and I've no doubt in my mind that you always do."

"But maybe it's not enough, Dad. Not when it comes to the death penalty. I know the system isn't perfect, but I've never before seen such strong evidence of how truly flawed it can be." Steve spoke quickly as his jumbled thoughts were starting to crystallize in his mind. "I've always believed in it, and in what we do. I thought I was good at what I did, but how can I keep going with my job if I am worrying about being right or wrong? I have to believe in what I'm doing, hesitation and doubts could….would not be good." It was clear to Mark that Steve had quickly changed what he was about to say.

"No, it wouldn't be good, Steve, it would be highly dangerous. I have every faith in you, Steve, and I know you do a great job. I think it's quite natural for you to be questioning the system, but you can't question yourself. You found the evidence to get me out of prison and to clear my name and you have to hold onto that." Mark paused. "The system isn't perfect, and this world we live in isn't perfect. I'm not saying it's acceptable to make mistakes, or that you should even think that it is. But you can only do the best you can do and I know and believe in you fully. Unfortunately we live in a very unstable and dangerous world and the good guys don't always win, even though we all know they should. You can't change the whole world, but you can make your part of the world just a little better." Mark paused again, watching Steve's face. He knew Steve was listening but wasn't entirely convinced he was taking it all in.

"When your mother was diagnosed with cancer…"

Steve jumped slightly at the words. His father had always kept the pain of this great loss close to his heart and he was more than taken aback by the sudden reference. He turned to face Mark, who had turned slightly away. A slight clenching of his jaw revealed his tension, but Mark soon turned back and looked into the clear blue eyes of his son.

"I questioned my skill as a doctor then and whether it was worthwhile. It all seemed so futile, I couldn't save the woman I loved most in the world, so what was the point of all that wonderful training I went through, all those hard years of residency, the long hours, the struggling…." Mark stopped, but only to reach out to squeeze Steve's shoulder. "I couldn't save her, and it took me a long time to find some meaning in it all. Even now, I'm not sure I have found the reason behind it. But I did come to understand that it wasn't futile, and that although I hadn't been able to provide your mother with a cure, I could help others. I don't know why we lost your mother, but somehow I found the strength to carry on and as each day passed, it became a little easier. Your mother was the most wonderful woman and I know she would have wanted me to continue…"

Steve remained silent as Mark's words started to sink in. He'd never thought about how his father, as a doctor, would have felt about not being able to help his own wife. He rubbed his eyes, moved deeply by his usually reticent father opening up his own past pain to try to help him. He'd never doubted how much his father loved him, but it was not something they openly discussed. It was just there, a constant source of strength for them both.

"Thanks, Dad…." Steve grinned weakly at his father, wanting to show him that he appreciated the words. But Mark wasn't sure he'd said quite enough.

"You know I'm proud of you, don't you? I don't say it enough but it's true." As he spoke, Mark's voice broke slightly. Unaccustomed to opening up quite so much, he struggled with his emotions, and could only hope that he'd got through to his son.

Steve's grin was more genuine this time. "Yeah, I know. I'm proud of you too. I know mom would be too."

Mark squeezed Steve's shoulder, not quite able to speak.

"What you say makes sense, Dad, and I know you're right…."

"But?" Mark asked quietly.

"I just need a bit of time to think about it all." Steve sighed. Unexpectedly he moved so he could throw his arm around his father's shoulders. "But I'll be okay, Dad, we both will be."

Mark sighed with relief as he allowed himself to accept that the nightmare was well and truly coming to an end.

"I'm thinking we should go fishing this weekend." Mark mused. Looking out to the ocean and enjoying the close proximity of his son, and the sounds of laughter from the party, he sent up a silent prayer of thanks. He knew things weren't going to be fixed automatically and that they both should talk things out more, but they were on track and Steve was seemingly open to talking, which was a very good sign.

"I think that's a great idea, Dad." Steve agreed. Things weren't quite right, but they would be. The first step was getting his father back into a party mood. "Now let's go back to the party!" Steve sent up his own prayer of thanks as his father turned back to the house. It was time to move on, in whatever direction they wanted. At least they could do so together.


End file.
